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March 9, 2009
The Man Who Would Not Talk
How do you draw out the people in your group who prefer to remain silent?
One of my goals for this blog is that it become a connecting point to other ministries and conversations out in the ether that are focused on small groups. To help with that, we will be expanding the "Blogs we're watching" sidebar in the coming weeks (it's located on the left navigation bar if you don't already see it).
Our newest addition is The Gypsy Road, a blog run by the good people at Serendipity (now a ministry of Lifeway Publishers). I've developed a bit of a relationship with Rick Howerton and Phil Davis over at Lifeway, and they are good people who genuinely care about the ministry of small groups. Of course, one of the benefits of reading other people's blogs is that there is plenty of opportunity to steal borrow creative ideas. You've probably heard of Joaquin Phoenix's bizarre interview on the David Letterman show several weeks ago. If not, here's a recap:
Strange, huh? But Rick Howerton was able to connect that interview with small groups in a way that I missed. He titled his blog post, "David Letterman the Small Group Leader...Why Small Group Members Don't Talk." If you click here to read the post (which I recommend), you'll find several practical tips for engaging all of your group members in a discussion—even the ones who don't want to talk.
But I've got a different question for all of you. Two questions, actually. 1) Have you ever had a member in your small group that was very hesitant to talk? And 2) As a leader, what methods have you found helpful in drawing reluctant talkers into a group discussion?
posted by Sam O'Neal on March 9, 2009 11:24 AM
Comments
Sam, first, I love the video. It's hiliarious, but more than that, AWKWARD.
I've definitely had those awkward feelings in small groups before. The worst feeling for me is when I pose a question or try to get discussion going, and it's just silent. It makes me feel like nothing got through to the group, or that I made no sense to them, or they are just not interested.
A couple things I've done, which usually helps:
1) Ask specific people specific questions, and try to tie in the question in a way that it is easy for them to answer. That often jumpstarts discussion
2) I have a tendency to jump right into a lesson, but I'm learning that it's ok to hang out and catch up first. This makes everyone feel more comfortable with each other, and I try to specifically chat with the quieter people so that they feel included.
Posted By: Cory | March 17, 2009 11:50 AM
I find many people are willing to talk in normal conversation, but clam up when it's "group time." That means we haven't done a good job of making group time an extension of our earlier normal conversations.
Sometimes I'll ask something like, "Travis, could you tell everyone else what you shared with me earlier about your pet iguana?"
The point is to make group discussion not a "performance" with study guides and right answers and great insights, but a time of unfiltered conversation with friends. Even if it takes a while for people to get used to each other.
Posted By: Marshall Shelley | March 17, 2009 11:58 AM
As a small group leader for teenage boys, every meeting is like this Letterman interview :) Actually, I'm exaggerating. I have found success in conversations if I do a couple of things: 1) Don't talk so much. If they know I will carry the conversation, why not let me? 2) Try to create an atmosphere of "anything goes." This isn't school or work. This is a safe place and we can bring up the messy stuff. Once they feel that freedom and safety, a lot comes out. In fact, it seems to me that Phoenix felt attacked and mocked whenever he said anything (and honestly, I think Dave went too far) and so, he withdrew more. I try to value every comment and not shoot anyone down.
I look forward to reading that link for some more ideas. Thanks, Sam.
Posted By: Todd Hertz | March 17, 2009 12:17 PM
A couple of things. First, I think it's important for small group leaders to realize that sometimes it's OK for a group member to be quiet. Introverts need to be silent sometimes in order to process what they're thinking and feeling, and often they'll speak up when they're ready. It's important for them to feel like it's OK to be their quiet selves in a group, or they won't feel comfortable. And they won't have anything valuable to share when it's their turn if they're not given the space and time they need to formulate their thoughts.
Also, sometimes people (even extroverts) need to be quiet because they're in a place of reflection or pain but they still need the ministry of the group. It should be OK for them to be this way when they need to.
That said, I do think it's appropriate to ask individual members to contribute, but critical not to do this in a way that suggests it's not OK to be quiet or even silent.
Another thing: Sometimes questions aren't worth answering. When I'm in a small group or another discussion setting, if the questions are obvious, inane, or tired, I want to run screaming from the room. They're just not worth the discussion. So one important way to encourage people to talk is to ask good questions that really interest the group and will lead to group insights through discussion.
Posted By: Amy | March 18, 2009 4:03 PM
i have a small group and its good to have someone there you know will talk or thats willing to. once someone talks everyone else seems to relax and feel more comfortable to talk themselves
Posted By: taylor | March 29, 2009 5:25 PM