Progressive Intimacy

Use these stages of group life to get a read on each of your members.

by Rick Howerton

Progressive Intimacy is a natural part of every group memberâ€™s experience. I know the phrase "progressive intimacy" might sound complicated, but it simply means that people go through a somewhat consistent pattern of connection when they first enter a small group.

Realizing where a group member is on this continuum will help you move group members further into higher levels of relationship. Below youâ€™ll see the different steps involved with progressing intimacy as I perceive them based on my experiences.

Invitation. The new group member is honored to be part of the group.

Expectation. Prior to the first meeting, emotions and hope rise as the person anticipates the upcoming relationships and group experiences.

Intimidation. This often happens in the first meeting. The person is confronted with lots of new people and new surroundings, and can sometimes be overwhelmed by the perceived spiritual maturity of other group members.

Inhibition. The new group member holds back, still not sure if the group is a safe place or a dangerous relational jungle.

Exploration. The new group member begins searching for his or her place in the group.

Evaluation. The new member begins asking mental questions that are vital to his or her participation in the group: Who am I in this group? Do I really fit in? Are the others really accepting me? Do I really accept them?

Actualization. The new member accepts his or her place in the group. He or she thinks, "This group does have the shared goal, like passion, and sincerity of heart to see God act that I do."

Reconciliation. I know and accept my place in this community of believers, trust them to know my needs and respond, and trust them to keep conversations confidential. We are Christian community with similar goals and callings. I am reconciled to living the principles espoused in the group covenant.

Exhibition. Because I have learned this is a safe environment and because I have concluded that I am accepted here as a person of worth, I can exhibit the real me.

Elation. There is no place I'd rather be. Being me is fun, exciting, and relaxing. I am elated to spend time in this environment.

Please understand that the length an individual is in each of these stages will differ from person to person. Also, some people will skip various stages and move directly to the next. Some will get stuck in a stage and never choose to move forward unless prompted to do so by a life experience, conversation with a group member, or a planned activity (like a retreat or a mission project).

And others will go forward, then some experience will force them to back to prior stages. This could be someone breaking confidence, attacking them publicly or behind thier back, and so on.

Rick Howerton is the "Small Group-Ologist" at LifeWay Resources. And while he refuses to explain what that actually means, we do know that he's got a lifetime of experience with discipleship and small groups.