Relationship vs. Fellowship

Is there a difference?

by Dan Lentz

A couple of key components of our connection to God and others are fellowship and relationship. I recently explored the difference with our group. Here’s how I described it:

Relationship is the substance of our connections: things like family or blood relatives, as well as covenant relationship like marriage or adoption. Even beyond that, relationship can also be defined by association (church family, workplace, neighborhoods, students, etc.), or just the frequency in which we connect with people (if I see someone often, then I might say I have a relationship with them).

Fellowship, on the other hand, is more like the “life” and energy of our connections with people. It’s the quality of our relationships. It’s something that is added to relationship that adds life, impact, and even sweetness. It means literally sharing in common which is modeled in many of the one another commands of the New Testament, like: love one another, spur one another on, forgive one another, carry one another’s burdens, and many more.

But the question is: can you have relationship without fellowship, and is that a good thing or not?

I used an object illustration with our group to help understand the difference. I put pieces of two kinds of chocolate is a small cups. The chocolate I put in cup #1 was pure dark chocolate—nothing added. I had people try it. Some people like it, while some think it’s very bitter tasting. But like it or not, it’s the real deal. Pure chocolate. It’s good but it doesn’t necessarily have everything in it that people want in chocolate. It doesn’t have that sweet taste we’ve grown to love in chocolate.

In cup #2 I put rich milk chocolate. If you like chocolate at all, you are going to say it’s the real thing. Give me some more!

I told everyone, “Keep in mind, that cup #2 has the same substance as cup #1, but there is more added to it. And that more makes all the difference in how it tastes.”

That’s at least a simple picture of the distinction between relationship and fellowship. Relationship is like cup #1. It’s the real substance, but for some people it’s good and for others it seems bitter. Fellowship is like cup #2. It also has the real substance, but it has other things added that makes it much richer.

That’s a simple illustration, but the difference came home for me in a small group I was part of several years ago. We met together weekly for a couple of years and saw each other in-between group times as well. There is no question that by the definition, I had relationships with those people. But, I didn’t necessarily look forward to being together; it was just something I did. There came a time when our group multiplied and I moved on to be in another group. When I left that group, I didn’t have that sense of healthy grieving like there should have been. Sure I remained friendly with those folks, but not really connected in any meaningful way.

It became obvious to me that while several of us had a relationship, we lacked much depth of fellowship. Looking back, that bums me out. Because, we never poured much life into that substance. And because of that, it wasn’t very sweet and I’m not sure how much impact we really had in one another’s lives. I have learned from that experience that relationship is great, but fellowship is where life change happens.

Maybe you can identify with a situation you’ve had like that. I think most of us can. We all have examples of family or work associates that we interact with frequently—we have a relationship with them, but not much fellowship. And, of course, hopefully we can think of many examples of people we have relationships with, and rich fellowship as well. Obviously, we can’t have fellowship with everyone we are in relationship with. We just don’t have the time or emotional capacity to handle that. But, the question is: Are most of our relationships void of fellowship? I told my group that is something worth considering because fellowship is where life and sweetness happens.