Faulty Assumptions about Intergenerational Groups

Why don't we see more "full family" small groups?

by Sam O'Neal

I'm on the home stretch for our next featured download, "Effective Intergenerational Small Groups," and I was really intrigued by an article written by Scottie May (my former teacher at Wheaton College).

Scottie's article tackles several of the faulty assumptions that small groups and churches seem to hold regarding intergenerational groups, and I think she has hit the nail on the head. Here is a quick list of the three main assumptions she writes about:

A low view of children. Adults in a small group feel that children have low attention spans, are easily bored, and would not contribute to the overal group experience.
A misguided view on how learning "should look." Group leaders feel like they would have to "dumb down" the material in order to make it applicable to children, which would significantly lessen the impact of the study for adults. Basically, this assumption is that groups should be primarily focused on the transfer of information, which would be hindered by kids.
Parents want a break. This assumes that parents view their small group as a form of "date night," or at least as a time to finally get some adult conversation. This includes the assumption that children are being spiritually formed at an appropriate level through other avenues within the church—Sunday school, youth groups, etc.

Scottie's claim is that these are all faulty assumptions. What do you think? Would you resist having children in your group based on any of these factors? Or if you do have children in your group, what has your experience been like?

posted by Sam O'Neal on August 9, 2010 11:38 AM

Comments

My kids are too young to join in a small group right now (6 and 4), but even when they grow older I don't think I'd like to be in a small group with them. My main reason is that in a small group I would like to be able to share and talk at an adult level, ask for prayer for things that might not be appropriate for children to hear. Sharing my faith with my children does not necessarily involve sharing ALL my struggles with them - I don't share everything in my small group either, but some things I would share with adults that my children don't need to know.

Also, the third point you mention resonates with me. My children go to Sunday school, they grow up in a Christian family, when they're older they will have youth groups etc. Our small group is a group for adults, and I'm very happy to have some "adult-time" without children around.

Some small groups in our church include the children. In those cases there is an adult or older child who looks after the children while they play in another room or outside, the children are not part of the adult discussions. One group includes the children for the prayer time (or at least a prayer time). It works well for these groups, but the kids are not as much part of the group as the adults are.

This is something that is different for every group, and I think that a church should not dictate what format the groups must have. Let the groups decide for themselves what they want.

Organising small groups for teenagers (led or at least supervised by an adult) might work well. In a small group setting it's easier to go deeper than in a bigger youth group, and it shows the teenagers that you take them and their faith seriously - even though you might not want them to be part of your own small group.

I host a small group in my home every Sunday night. We have about 35 who attend and my house is not big. In that group there are about 12 children ranging from 18 months to 13 years old. It is a challenge but it is worth it. Sometimes I think the house may fall in but we are able to build relationships and ask for prayer for real needs. Tears flow most every Sunday night. I think it help our children realize and see the real us and not some figure we are trying to portray. As a teacher my hardest questions are from our children not the parents. Nothing like a cup of coffee, a couch, and a group of people who really know me and really care about me. I wonder if Jesus ever told a group of people that the kids don't need to be here.

My friend and I started a small group for women ages 8 to 98. The focus is on mission and ministry. We only have 1 young girl, but hopefully in the Fall we will have more. So often mothers find women's small groups other evening away from their children. This however has made it possible for mothers and daughters to do something together. For our current 1 child, she has no living grandparents, so she now has at least 3 surrogate grandmothers! It is a way for young women to see Christ modeled in older women.

I take part of a small group for couples and when someone has to take their kids for our meeting, we try to arrange something else for them to do while the adults are gathered.
Time to time our group conducts a "social" meeting, like a barbacue, when the whole family is welcomed.
But another small group in our church accept the kids in their meetings in a hybrid way: the kids do participate with the adults in the beggining (usually worshiping the Lord) and at the end (prayers for the families) of every meeting. In the middle part of the meeting, kids go to another room for different activities, like watching a DVD movie.

I agree with you, Sam. I have a small group which has several members including children. We met every two weeks, many things we do. Pray, discuss and make a barbecue party. I involve the kids when discussing, of course. Unexpectedly, they are so attention in this regard. Provided we know what to say and no, the kids can join a small group.

I tend to agree with the idea of including children in the same small groups as adults, because I'm an only child, so my parents would often take me along to grown-up events. I found it really helped me learn more because in a childrens' class or a youth group or whatever, people learn how to socialize and discuss in the way that children and teens socialize and discuss. But, other kids don't know how to discuss complex topics. It's not that they aren't capable of thinking on that level, instead they simply don't have any experience with the mechanics of complex discussion. They need to be surrounded by adults who can model how to respectfully disagree, how to jump in with a comment in an orderly fashion, and how to formulate and articulate responses to ideas the moment they are presented.

Granted, as a child sitting in adult Bible studies, I had a lot to learn. I was too talkative, too quick with my own opinion, and probably not always as still as I could have been. But, that's part of learning. My parents had to be proactive in getting me to listen more. They had to instruct me in the value of deferring to my elders. And, I'm sure at times that was a lot to handle. However, I think the effect upon my development warranted the work my parents put into it. Getting up at 3AM to feed a newborn is also a lot of work, but the pay-off is similarly worth it.

So, even though it will mean more work for the adult members, I agree that it's worthwhile to allow children and teens into some groups.

For me there's nothing wrong if we invite our children into our group. Instead, we can teach them how to socialize each other. It just my humble opinion.